Ah, my roommate, the heat Nazi.
- How about I just pay a bigger portion of the utilities?
She didn't like that idea. Our calculations for who pays how much utilities were already so complex that only a quantitative analyst from Goldman Sachs could follow them.
- We'll talk about this AFTER I have my cigarette.
But I really wasn't looking forward to this conversation, so when she stepped outside I just locked the door behind her. She never takes her keys or cell phone, so in a few minutes she was banging on the door and being like LET ME IN...and I was like - Well it's the same temperature inside and outside house, so what difference does it make? Of course I was going to let her in in a few minutes, just as soon as I finished watching this video on youtube...but you know how those youtube things are, I clicked on another link and then another...then I realized half an hour had passed and I was like Oh shit. I opened the door...but she was gone. I walked down the street looking for her, then down another street, and found myself in an unfamiliar part of town, all warehouses and lofts. One of these buildings was transparent, like glass, so I came up to take a closer look at it, touched it...and it started melting beneath my fingers! It was made of ice.
- You like it?
I turned around and saw this guy with the oddest beard and moustache - they were covered with icicles that moved and jingled when he talked.
- This is your place?
- Well the landlord let me have a great deal on it, because of the economic crisis. And also because I've converted it into a loft, I've built out the entire inside myself. Wanna see?
- It sounds really cool, no pun intended, but I'm in the middle of looking for my roommate.
- Perfect, she's already here.
So I followed him inside. The inside was just like the outside - even the pipes and the wiring were ice, twisting up on the ceiling, the drywall was ice so you could see what looked like the wood frame inside of it, also made of ice.
- The best part about this is that I have so much space to work on my art.
He pointed to a fire pit in the middle of the floor. That's gotta be breaking all kinds of fire codes, I thought, but then I saw that this fire was very different - the logs were ice, the flames were black and grey, and instead of radiating heat, this fire just made everything around it colder. Next to the fire, there was a pile of little bodies, pigeons and rats and even a cat, all cold and stiff.
- Have they frozen to death?
- They were only a little bit frozen when I found them. To really freeze them, it takes more work.
With that, he picked up a rat and held it over the cold black fire. The poor rat first turned white as snow, and then it became more and more transparent until it was completely ice. He did this to each animal in turn, and then gathered them up.
- Now we'll take them to the gallery part. I built all those rooms to store and exhibit my work.
I followed him further into the loft. The first room was full of ice birds, and he added the new ones he had just frozen to the collection. The next room was for the ice rats, cats, and dogs. In a smaller room there were tiny intricate ice roaches and ice flies. And the last room, of course, was ice humans. Most of them looked like they had been homeless, with their ice bags and ice shopping carts. But the newest addition was my roommate, all ice, still with that pissed off look on her face. And when I saw that look, I remembered all those times I wanted to hit her, but was afraid she'd call the police on me...again. But now she was defenseless, so I came up to her and gave her a shove. She fell and broke into a thousand icy shards.
That was very satisfying, but she was the one on the lease, so without her, I'm going to have to find another place to live. So I'm looking for a room - this is just a substitute for a craigslist ad. Let me know if you or anyone you know has a room available. Thanks.